Wednesday, May 07, 2008


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Thursday, December 14, 2006

My Dream Job

Hi there everyone.
Well, not everyone.
Women really.
Women aged anything between 28 and 42.
Under 28 is too young but I've got a thing for slightly older women so I quite like that.
Where to begin.
Despite my age, I have never worked a day in my life.
I've always wanted to work but have never gotten around to it.
I lay here on my couch and contemplate what my dream jobs would be.
Here they are 10 of my choices in no particular order.
1) Yo yo designer.
2) The guy in movies who always gets killed first.
3) Inventor of band names.
4) Harpooner.
5) Ballroom dancing judge.
6) Invisible librarian (so I can read all day in peace and quiet).
7) Fishmongers assistant.
8) Breeder of exotic animals.
9) Man on street corner.
10) Policeman in Hong Kong.

As you see, despite being unemployed, I am quite ambitious.
Perhaps there is a nice unemployed girl out there who may like to lay on the couch with me and contemplate a better future.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

An Electric Shock

I like electricity.
It's the best thing to power your electric toothbrush, your wet/dry Vac, the heating in your garden shed and many, many other appliances.
Did you know that electricity was invented by the Vikings?
They used it to power thier helmet warmers when they went out fishing for the giant herrings they used to make Viking Juice.
Electricity was stolen from the Vikings by Robin Hood, who took it back to Sherwood forest to help create weapons to defeat the hairy hillmen who were always stealing his food.
Where would we be without it.
Why, without electricity we'd have no pizza.
Without electricity we'd have no spanners.
Without electricity there'd be no electric spiders, or electric bread or electric Chinamen.
Even I'm made of electricity, not like some silly, battery powered automaton.
It flows through my veins like blood and out of my eyes into the atmosphere where it's turned into a special drink that I pour over my plants to make them grow big and strong.
If you'd like your plants to be big and strong, perhaps I'm the man for you.
All my loving.

Tradesmen Required

I seek the services of some tradesmen.
In particular a bricklayer (tradesman A, hereby known as TMA) and a painter (tradesman B, hereby know as TMB.
I shall explain my needs.
I have a large studio apartment.
I will lay in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing by kitchen gloves.
TMA will be required, using recycled bricks only, to build a 5 X 5 "box" around me.
The box will need to have a couple of bricks missing, so that someone could reach inside to pass me cheese and crackers, sparkling cider, the dictionary, alphaghetti-spaghetti and other stimulants.
TMB will be required to paint the outside of the "box" in a sparkling sunshine colour, reminiscent of a prarie morn in April.
I am not asking anyone to do this for free of course.
Quotations required before building should commence.
Regards, Teresa.

Friday, December 08, 2006

I Am A Sleepist

I do a lot of sleeping.
I work for a company that produces medicines for the world and my role is to test their sleeping pills.
My official title is Sleepist, and I have been a professional Sleepist for 8 years.
I am awake for only a few hours a day - usually between 1 and 3 in the morning.
Obviously I'm looking for someone who is free during those hours.
The facility I work at is not in central London, but not far from, and as I'm usually hooked up to a catheter, a heart monitor and various other life giving gadgets, you'd probably need to live nearby as I'm really not supposed to remove them.
Because of this I'm not really mobile.
You could meet me at the facility for sparkling water and vitamin supplements (I'm really not allowed to have proper food but I'm sure the canteen people could arrange to leave you some kind of sandwich and a packet of crips).
I am mostly looking for company.
Most of the information from my tests and experiments are taken while I sleep, and I've been doing it so long that it only takes me a few short minutes to do my written reports.
It would be nice to have a chat to someone about world affairs before my 2:45 dose of trecphylinin.
I'm more of a listener than a talker, a life of near permanent slumber means that there's a lot of the world I'm missing out on.
Perhaps you could bring in a newspaper for me as they wont let me have one here.
Late at night they wouldn't notice.
And perhaps I could give you some mail to post for me and they seem to forget to send mine.
Much love.x

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Ladders Galore

I have a series of 12 ladders to give away.
Each one is incrementally longer than the next.
The first one is 4 metres long and the last one is 8 metres long.
I prefer to keep the swarm of ladders together otherwise the queen ladder will fly away and start a new colony and the next thing you know we've got ladders all over the show.
Despite being free, I wont give them to anyone who can't bring themselves to give me a hug.

A Plea

Last year I was in a terrible accident (a bath fell on me).
It has left me disfigured.
I am missing part of my right leg and have been left with wooden hands, a functioning eye fashioned from a new organic material and a bloodpack that hangs from a strap behind my left calf.
I can walk but need to use a special device.
It looks a bit like a walking stick but has a small battery powered piston system to enable me to walk up and down stairs, and to use the swings at the park without tumbling off.
As you can imagine I am not considered the stuff of supermodels.
Perhaps someone out there can help me achieve the pleasure I cannot give myself, as my wooden hands are a little chilly for self loving (and there is always the chance of a splinter).
And open mind and an open heart are all I seek.

How Do you Feel About Buttons?

When you say it over and over again, "button" really is a funny word isn't it?
Now then, when I use the word button I mean it in the British way - the little round disks that hold your shirt together.
Not the American use of the word (we call them badges, like on policemen not like in Wind in the Willows).
I collect buttons.
It's not everything I'm about, but when people refer to me they say "Oh look, here's David, that button guy", or "There's, Buttons!".
I've longed to have the nickname "Buttons" for years, but it hasn't stuck.
People mostly call me Dave or David.
I have piles of the damned things, mostly because I am a button salesmen.
Many people might think that is a very dull job but I can assure you the world of buttons is a very, very exciting one.
One can simply google the word "button" and a whole universe of button info will be opened up before you.
But I won't bore you with the details, as I'm hoping to meet a nice girl who might have an interest in buttons, but doesn't know where to start looking.
Let me assure you future button lovers - if you would like a guide through everything buttonesque, I am your man.
Looking forward to hearing from you.

PS - I'll give a free button to everyone that lets me take them out for a coffee. Not a really fancy one you understand, but a good one, probably in black.

PPS - I have a special unwatched DVD that I've been saving for a special occasion, "Buttons And You", perhaps we can get all cosy in front of it one winters eve.

PPPS - I really love buttons.

Have You Ever Bought Something Cheap Because It Was A Little Faulty?

Everyone has their little quirks in life, don't they?
Some people are short.
Others have a dicky eye.
Some people have a lisp.
Even perfect beautiful people.
The new James Bond guy is a mumbler.
Tom Cruise is insane.
David Beckham married a scarecrow.
Imperfections in an otherwise flawless checklist.
Like I said - everyone has their little thing.
Several years ago I was fishing with some friends on the North Sea.
My line was snapped up by something rather large and a struggle ensued.
After an hour of toil I finally managed to haul my catch to the surface.
It was a large seal!
I don't really like the taste of seal too much so I reached for my knife to cut the line.
In the confusion I leaned too far forward, the seal saw his chance, bit off my head and made fast his escape.
I cook.
I clean.
I put the toilet seat down.
But I don't have a head.
To make people comfortable I have had a prosthetic head made.
It's been designed with a smile, so no matter how bad your day will have been, you'll always return home to a loving grin.
Perhaps there is an angel out there who can see past my disability and learn to love me despite my deficiencies.
Hope to hear from you.